I think I've said it before, but I'll say it again. C has really taken over a lot more of the household duties, particularly on the weekends, since I got pregnant, and it is a huge relief. He does nearly all the laundry, and today he made beds, too!

(No Picture Yet- it's coming).

You know what else Deb said to me yesterday that meant a lot?  I just remembered this today...

After we talked for a long time about my anxieties about giving birth again, she said, "You signing up to do this again was an act of bravery. That's not something to take lightly, and you deserve a lot of credit for that."  And I don't know why, but she teared up as she said it. It meant so much to me, and somehow it made me feel more courageous to move on with what's ahead.

This picture has nothing to do with what I'm about to write about, except for the fact that we spent time in downtown Greenfield after my prenatal appointment today.

The kids stayed with friends, and C and I saw Deb Billings, who is the midwife who delivered both of our children.

Deb is amazing. She always listens so intently, makes me feel better about everything, and gives me a lot to think about. She reminds me that there are always options and ways to make things feel better.

I talked to her about the fact that it took me this long to get pregnant again, mostly because I'm so scared about giving birth again. We talked about the option of an epidural (something she recommended before I even brought it up) with it's positive and negative sides. She recommended that I go talk to a therapist trained in prenatal and postnatal counseling, which is something I have considered.

And after we talked for a long time, we got to hear the baby's heartbeat. C recorded it, too.

I left feeling better than I did going in there, and I have lots to think about.

As we get closer to the day when we'll tell the kids the news about our family, I'm excited for them to be able to tell their friends. One of the reasons I wanted to tell so few people is because I want them to share in the fun of revealing the news to people.

At twelve weeks, baby should be around the size of a lime, and what I'm reading confirms how I feel: better! Although I'm still tired a lot, morning sickness has subsided significantly.

I have still been exercising regularly- either doing my workout DVDs or walking. Once in a while (on the weekends), I get to go for a peaceful walk by myself, and it feels so good. My mind has been racing with being pregnant and anticipating this big change, so a walk on a beautiful night is often just what I need to clear my head.

With the day coming soon when we'll tell the kids the big news, I'm noticing myself doing a lot of thinking and some worrying about what the adjustment will be like for them. The fun part is fun, but the hard parts will be hard for them to understand- things like me being extra tired and busy.  I know it will all work out somehow, but I'm finding myself wondering how to prepare an almost eight-year-old and a five-year-old to the new addition to our family.

On this day-after-Thanksgiving, after spending an awesome morning at the beach with my Mom and Dad, C, and the kids, I'm thankful for the amazing family my baby will be born into. He/she is one lucky baby to get to have such awesome grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, and great aunts and uncles!

This Thanksgiving, among other things, I'm thankful for the new life growing inside me. And, also among other things, I'm thankful that I don't spend every day feeling nauseous! I think I'm officially (almost) past the first trimester as far as morning sickness goes!

This year, I plan on starting a tradition that my dad always did when we were growing up: on the day that we decorate the Christmas tree, I will give the kids each a new ornament for the tree. This year, I think I will present them with a third ornament- one for the baby in my belly. And that will be how I share the news with them.

I was going to wait until later, but I don't think I can hide it much longer. Plus, I'm excited to tell the kids and let them tell people.

After we tell them, I want to avoid big radio or Facebook announcements for a while- I want the kids and Chris and I to be able to tell people in a personal, "normal" way.

This is a book I've been reading. The title, Easy Labor, is so obnoxious. I can't believe I even picked it up off the shelf. But I like it, because it presents all different points of view (mothers, doctors, nurses, etc.) of all different ways to give birth.

I mostly picked it up, because I'm considering something this time around that I had never even considered before: an epidural (more on that later). 

At eleven weeks, baby is about the size of a fig, and I guess all the organs have developed (not fully, of course!).

After eating lunch with friends today at their house, I realized something: eating hasn't made me feel sick today! I'm not sure- am I just having a good day, or am I moving out of the first trimester phase of morning sickness? I'll take either one, but the latter would really be wonderful.

I spent a lot of time on the couch today. I have been a lot lately. Sometimes it's amazing to me that the kids don't wonder what's going on with me- I definitely rest a lot more than usual.

We have been talking about starting to watch Downton Abbey every weekend for weeks now. But as soon as my head hits the pillow, I am sound asleep. I have been so tired. Today, since I have a nap at 5pm, I was feeling optimistic about staying up past 9 to watch the first episode with C, but I didn't make it. After ten minutes or so, I was sleeping.

Dear Baby,
Your daddy does BIG things and helps a lot of people. He has a BIG heart, both for people he doesn't even know and his own friends and family.
Today, Daddy walked all the way from Northampton to Greenfield and raised $40,000 to help feed people who need it. Pretty awesome, huh?
Love,
Mommy

How It's Going

• Baby should be around the size of a kumkwat this week. I've never even had a kumkwat.
• I felt good this morning. I'm still working out in the morning, even when I feel really nauseous, and it helps a lot.
• I had my second prenatal appointment today- this time it was an intake with the nurse. It felt so much better than last time. She was really down-to-earth and easy to talk to. 
• In two weeks, I have a prenatal appointment with the  midwife who delivered both A and E.
• At this point, I feel excited about the second trimester. I'm excited to tell the kids (probably after Christmas), and I'm excited to start feeling the baby move. And I'm definitely excited that there's hope that I won't be so tired and that I'll have a better appetite for a while. 
• Lately I feel yuckiest first thing in the morning and in the evening. It's really starting to bum me out.
• I'm so tired, and I hate how that takes away from the quality of the time I spend with the kids. I don't feel as present, patient, creative, or as close to them as usual, and I hate that. I think we'll be better off, actually, with more time out and less time at home. But, because I'm so tired, I want to be home. But then when I'm home, I don't get much done anyway, and I feel like I'm not patient with the kids. Bleck. 

Not much to share today, except that I'm wicked tired. Going to bed.

See this picture?

That's my sister after she ran a marathon, with her supportive and fun family.

I kept thinking of this picture today. Because after I worked out, made breakfast, did schoolwork with the kids, made lunch, walked to the park, played at the park with friends, and walked home, I felt like I had run a marathon. I had to crash on the couch after all that- I felt like I could barely stay standing, because I was so tired.

Somehow I feel like actually running a marathon would bring a greater sense of accomplishment.

Having C around on the weekend makes things so much better for pregnant me. He has taken up doing extra housework, and it's so nice to have his company. I want to be near people I love a little bit extra lately, so it feels good and right to have him home.

I did not take this picture today. That was my original intent with this blog: to post pictures I actually take the day of each post. But I keep forgetting. Oops. So instead of C and E by a lake, you can picture C home doing laundry or on a walk with us or drawing in the toy room with the kids, because that's what actually happened today.

Fresh air makes me feel a thousand times better. Walking, especially in walking in the woods, have become a priority for me over the past few weeks. I'm lucky to live where I do in that regard. Today we walked with my mom and dad at High Ledges.

My parents visited for a couple days, and I enjoyed every part of their stay. It was so nice. But the pregnant part of me especially enjoyed the food part of their stay: one day Dad brought home burgers for lunch; one night we had turkey and mashed potatoes at home; we had a picnic in the woods; and Mom and Dad took us out for dinner. My hunger and nausea were satiated for a bit with so much good food in good company.

Phew! Obama won! And so did Elizabeth Warren. Phew, phew, phew!

If for no other reason, I'm glad Obama will take on another 4 years, because I hope it means my baby will be born into a more accepting world.

Waiting to find out who wins this thing.

I really hope I wake up tomorrow morning and find out that Obama will be president when we welcome our new baby to the world. I think it would be a much nicer start to life.

One Month

I have no photo today, but I realized that this blog is one month old, which means that I've known about this pregnancy for one month.

As something that's taken over my mind and my thoughts for most of that month, it sure feels like a lot longer than that to me.

At nine weeks, baby should be about an inch long- the size of a grape. That's small, but when you think about it, it's a lot bigger than the sesame seed-size it was a few weeks ago!

For our Christmas card this year, I thought about using this picture with "Go tell it on the mountain" written on it and little blurbs coming out of A and E's mouths saying "Mommy's gonna have a baby!", but the more I think about it, the more I think I want to hold off on telling everyone the news until after Christmas.

Once we tell the kids, we will have to be ready to tell all our friends, family, relatives, and acquaintances. And C's radio listeners. And I think I'm not ready to tell all those people right before the holidays. I'm not ready to welcome all the questions and comments about how I look, and I'm definitely not ready to start hearing, "It'd better be a girl this time!" (which I know I'll hear a lot and want to prolong as long as possible).

I may have no choice. I may be obviously pregnant by the New Year. But if not, I think I'll put it off.

Today was hard. Fridays in general have been hard: maybe because I'm so tired by the end of the week, or maybe because I have more time at home than other days (feeling like I want to get a lot done at home, but the lingering kitchen smells just make me feel yucky).

It's hard to wake up every day feeling like you have to fight and be strong to get through the day. Eating is hard. Sleeping is hard. But I need to do both a lot to feel okay.

I put the kids to bed early and watched a movie. That helped a little. And having Chris here for the weekend is really helpful. He's been picking up extra housework and has been really supportive and helpful. Phew! Weekend!

So I was reading Rapunzel with the kids, and it occurred to me that whoever wrote the story originally either knew what it's like to be pregnant or conferred with someone who did. I related so much to this part of the story:

She noticed that in the very center (of the garden) there was a patch of rapunzel, which some people use in salads. After that, no matter where she looked, her eyes came back to the rapunzel. She desperately wanted to taste it for herself. 

The yearning grew, and before long all she could think about was the wonderful salad that the rapunzel would make. She spent more and more of her time staring out of the tiny window. She stopped eating because nothing could taste as good to her as a salad made from the rapunzel in the witch's garden. Soon she grew thing and weak, and she could barely climb onto the stool to look out of the window..."

Unfortunately, my yearnings are not for rapunzel or any salad greens. I've been wanting chicken, potatoes, white bread, and cheese. If I don't have to smell it first (meaning if I don't prepare it), I can tolerate other foods. But once I find something I would like to eat and doesn't make me queasy at the thought of it, I get very focused on getting that food. So I can see this woman's dilemma when she wanted the rapunzel from the witch's garden.

Last night I had a dream that I wanted french toast made with white bread. In the dream, Chris was trying to encourage me that whole grain bread would be healthier for me. And then I cried and screamed like a toddler having a tantrum.

When I woke up, I made french toast with white bread.