Based on some peoples' comments tonight, I feel like we've raised a certain bar for ourselves when it comes to Halloween costumes.

Funny to think about Halloween next year- one more little dwarf to add to the mix?

I was too preoccupied with the impending hurricane the other day to highlight a very important day that happened for this baby in utero: Aunty Shan's fortieth birthday!

Shannon loves babies. And since her baby just turned seven, I'm thinking little Blueberry is going to get a LOT of attention from my family.

Kidney Bean

This week, little blueberry is now the size of a kidney bean.

I've been checking in weekly at Babycenter.com, and it's fun to read what normal development is like at 8 weeks in utero:

How your baby's growing:

New this week: Webbed fingers and toes are poking out from your baby's hands and feet, his eyelids practically cover his eyes, breathing tubes extend from his throat to the branches of his developing lungs, and his "tail" is just about gone. In his brain, nerve cells are branching out to connect with one another, forming primitive neural pathways. You may be daydreaming about your baby as one sex or the other, but the external genitals still haven't developed enough to reveal whether you're having a boy or a girl. Either way, your baby — about the size of a kidney bean — is constantly moving and shifting, though you still can't feel it.

Sandy

Everything around here has already been canceled for tomorrow, including our Monday homeschool co-op. On the one hand, I'm excited for the break in our schedule and am hoping for some time to play with the kids, do some projects together, and maybe get some projects done in the house. On the other hand, I'm not so sure it's going to go well. Chris is planning on staying over near work tomorrow night, so I'm on my own from wakeup until bedtime. These pregnancy hormones are making me less patient than usual with the kids as well as super exhausted. And food is so complicated. I feel like I have to eat all day, but only very specific things, and I can't smell it before eating or after or else I feel sick. So all of that could make for a difficult, long day.

But, we're not sick (like we were last year at this time!), and I have friends and neighbors I can call on if need be. And maybe this whole thing will blow over, not be such a big deal, and Chris will be able to come home to us.

Seasons

We did some raking in the yard today, and as I raked some leaves near the garden, I thought about the fact that when I'm weeding and prepping the garden next spring, I will be very pregnant. Speaking of seasons....you know what's awesome about this pregnancy? I will not be and have not been pregnant at all during the summer. That is really great. I was pretty miserable in my first trimester with Atticus in the summer and then in my last trimester with Enzo. So that's nice.

The lack of picture from today shall represent my overwhelming fatigue. I went to bed at 7:30 last night!

This is the building where I work at Smith. My office is on the top floor, up on that little triangle of a roof on the left. Today I left work at 6:30. I teach three classes, take a little walk for a break, and then work until I'm done. Tuesdays and Thursdays are my work days, and I don't bring work home and feel like I can really focus on the kids on the other days.

Next year, I'll have to be more creative. I can't exactly stay away from a new baby for ten hours at a time, can I? It's hard to imagine what scenario is going to make sense for me when I go back to work with a 3-month-old and 2 older homeschooled kids at home.

One step at a time, I guess.

At 7 weeks, my baby should be the size of a blueberry. A blueberry that makes me tired! I'm going to sleep! It's 7:30.

CHICKEN CHICKEN CHICKEN CHICKEN CHICKEN CHICKEN CHICKEN CHICKEN CHICKEN CHICKEN

A photo of chicken (the meat) would be kind of gross. 

I think chicken was on my mind at least most of my day. I want to each chicken all the time. Chicken on salad, grilled chicken sandwiches, fried chicken- yum! It's not a craving so much as it seems to be one of the only foods that tastes delicious to me right now and doesn't make me feel sick to eat. I splurged and spend $4 on a grilled chicken sandwich today at Smith, and it was the most delicious thing I've eaten at least since I found out I was pregnant, if not longer.

This Conversation that Happened Today.

While cleaning the toy room, A and E were actually in a good mood about organizing and getting rid of some things. But when they pulled out a soft cuddly Eeyore doll to get rid of, Chris and I looked at each other, and Chris said, "Let's put that in the nook, just in case a baby plays at our house and wants to snuggle it."

7-year-old A: Or if we have our own baby. I want us to have a baby. 
Chris: Are you gonna have a baby?
A: No! You and Mom!
Me: But if I had a baby in my belly, I'd probably feel sick and tired all the time.
A: But you'd have a baby in the end.
Me: You're right. And it was all worth it when I got to have you guys.
5-year-old E, while cleaning: It's okay, Mom, we'd bring you food!
A: Yea, we'd make you food and help you feel better, Mom!
Chris: You'd cook for Mom?
A: Well, we'd help Dad make you food, Mom, and we'd bring it to you.

I was so touched. Such sweet boys.

My sister-in-law is pregnant, too! We had a baby shower for her today. Her baby is due in January, which means only a six month age difference between her baby and ours.

The geese I got to see on my foggy morning walk today sure kept my mind off morning sickness for a while. They are so amazing to watch.

Know what I didn't do today? I didn't take any pictures. I also didn't fold the laundry, make the soup I was going to make for dinner, or make any of the phone calls I was going to make. I did, however, sleep for three hours this afternoon. Apparently I needed it.

Apparently, at six weeks, the baby that was the size of a sesame is not the size of a lentil bean.

Lentil sure is doing weird things to my appetite! At 10:30 this morning, I was like a bottomless pit. I ate my lunch AND dinner all before noon. And then I was fine to have applesauce for dinner and felt really full after. This could make meal-planning tricky.

I had my first prenatal appointment today. It was definitely a mixed experience. Bullets are in order here:

• The minute I walked into the medical building, I was, 1. overwhelmed by the smell and felt instantly nauseous, and 2. overwhelmed with emotion and felt a flood of (difficult) memories come back as I remembered my (difficult) pregnancy with Enzo, the (difficult) experience of giving birth to him, and the (difficult) post-partum period. I instantly felt flushed and was holding back tears from then on.
• I did NOT want to be in that waiting room. I don't know why I hated it so much.
• To make matters worse, the nurse had strong perfume on, which made me more nauseous than I already was. When she took my blood pressure, she said it was on the high side, which is very unusual for me. But I'm kind of wondering if it was because I was so annoyed at her for wearing that darn perfume and making me feel sick! I spoke to the doctor about it after.
• I had a good talk with the doctor, telling her both what I'm excited about and what I'm concerned about with this pregnancy. She was easy to talk to, and I told her about the difficult time I had both physically and emotionally when I was pregnant with Enzo, as well as the difficult post-partum period. She gave me a few referrals and made it clear that being open and proactive about the difficult parts for me are a good thing. I very much felt like she was on my side.
• As soon as Chris got home from work, shortly after I got home from my appointment, I burst into tears. He listened and rubbed my back. And then I felt much better. I think I've realized that if I cry once a day, either because of something actually bothering me or just because I need to cry and have something like Parenthood to help me do so, I feel better. 
• My  next appointment is in a month. But I really want to look into a homebirth in the meantime. I don't think we can afford it, but I want to at least consider it.

One thing I recognized today is that fresh air and exercise outside feel SO good to me right now. That's always true of me, but it feels particularly true in this pregnancy. Note to self: prioritize fresh air and exercise.

When I was pregnant with Atticus, I remember calling Shannon and asking, "Why is it called MORNING sickness? I feel sick all the time!"

So far, though, this time around I feel worse in the morning and gradually get somewhat better as the day goes on. I've been letting myself have a little coffee each day- I make it mostly decaffeinated with a little regular mixed in. I really love the coffee ritual. But I'm noticing each day the coffee smell is getting harder and harder to bear. So I might have to find a new ritual.

Did you notice I failed to post yesterday? I thought about leaving this blank to represent the fatigue and hormones that got in the way of me posting. I did have a picture in mind to post yesterday, but I just couldn't rip myself out of bed to do it!

Enzo and I had a lot of special time together this weekend. He was such a happy little guy: he's so helpful and affectionate and CUTE lately. We had a sweet bike ride and some nice time reading together. And since being pregnant is almost always on the back of my mind, I couldn't help but wonder what it will be like for him. I know he'll almost be six when the baby is born, but he's still my baby. One of the hardest parts for me of when Enzo was born was the change in my relationship with Atticus. I wonder what change will happy when June baby arrives. 

Is it just me, or does Enzo look like a teenager in this picture?

Eleventh Anniversary

My due date is June 8, the day of our eleventh wedding anniversary. For our tenth anniversary, older brother and middle brother stayed at a friend's house for an overnight while my husband and I stayed at a nice hotel. While I'm quite sure I won't actually deliver a baby on my actual due date, I'm pretty sure our eleventh anniversary will be much different than our tenth.

Snail Mail

I was lucky enough to get snail mail from my mom today!

I was so grateful to be at my mom and dad's house when I found out about being pregnant. Like I said in my first post, my feelings were not purely celebratory. It was a hard, emotionally exhausting day for me. And when I'm feeling emotionally vulnerable, my mom is the best person to be with. I told her I was pregnant, and then I burst into tears. She was excited, of course, but she put my feelings first. She was present, understanding, comforting, and listened without judgement. I really needed her that day.

That conversation, and the letter Mom sent me today, was encouraging and hopeful for me. Being reminded of the loving people I'm surrounded by is always a good thing.

And sometimes, snail mail is so much more fun than email. I miss it.

P.S. Don't worry, Shan- if I make this blog public someday, I'll delete out my address. (-:

How I felt at work today:

I woke up with a sore throat the morning I took the pregnancy test, and I've had a bit of a cold every since. So it's hard to know what's making me tired. But today I was hit with a wall of tiredness, and it feels like more than just a cold. So instead of working in my office, I took my work home and worked in bed in my pajamas.

It was a week ago today that the thought popped into my head that I might be pregnant. And it was two days after that that I took a pregnancy test. Chris had been discouraging me from doing so, thinking time would tell, but I needed confirmation. I bought a pregnancy test and didn't want to be talked out of taking it. So I called Chris at work and said, "Hi! I'm peeing on a stick now!" There was no going back at that point.

I read today that my baby in utero is the size of a sesame seed. That is weird.

At Whole Foods today, I preemptively bought lollipops, knowing they might help to relieve morning sickness. When the kids asked what they were for, my response was vague: "Maybe we'll need them for Halloween." Several minutes later, when we were on to shopping for other things, oldest brother thoughtfully said, "Lollipops are good for when you're pregnant, too." Is he on to me?

While watching a movie, six-year-old middle brother held his "baby". Maybe he's getting ready without even knowing it yet?

In Providence, celebrating nine-year-old niece's (late!) birthday with seven-year-old oldest brother, five-year-old middle brother, and thirty-five-year-old me. The kids don't know yet. We won't tell them until we're ready to let them tell everyone.

Day One, Two Pictures, and More Words than Usual

The hope of pregnancy, of course, is to have a baby. That part, I'm happy about. But when I found out I was pregnant, I started crying, and I kept crying for much of the day. All day I felt a sense of loss. In the end, assuming everything goes well, I will gain a baby. And that is amazing. But when I first found out about being pregnant, all I could think about was the loss that comes with being pregnant. Things that I'd have to give up kept popping into my head all day.

I was cleaning my sister and brother-in-law's bathroom, and as I cleaned the mirror, I kept noticing the body that I'm in. And once again, I felt a sense of loss. I feel more prepared to have another child than I do to lose the body that I'm in and to deal with how hard pregnancy has been for me in the past.

So, while I'm still feeling good, I will enjoy that.